Ledgard: “Your feet are going to ruin my appetite.”
Help Me Hate You Less
A running store employee explains why he hopes you get hit by a bus in your new shoes
by Dylan Ledgard
1. Shoes
The last thing I want to help you with is shoes. Yes, seriously. I know I work at a running shop, but the last thing I want to see before my lunch break is your sweaty, nasty-ass, fungus-ridden toes.
2. “(long pause; looking down at shoes) Yes, but do they come in another color?”
No. When I’ve spent as much time with you helping you figure out the best shoe for your foot shape and biomechanics only to discover you “just can’t stand mauve,” I want to kick you in the crotch.
3. “I’m a triathlete/I do CrossFit”
Well, let me do an ecstatic dance!
Ledgard: “CrossFit? I knew there must be some reason I’m sexually attracted to you!”
4. I will talk about you to the other employees when I go to the stockroom
So don’t be douchey.
5. STOP CALLING THEM “TENNIES”
I’m looking at you, grandma.
6. Kids
If you don’t want your child to get a swift punch in the Adam’s apple, don’t let him run amuck in my store, knocking things over. Also, don’t let him poke, pinch, slap, or otherwise annoy the bejesus out of me. Parent that little turdling so he doesn’t turn into Hitler II.
7. “I’m just looking, thanks”
Five dollars says that in 60 seconds you’ll approach me asking my opinion on those “cool, five-toe shoes.” Which leads me to…
Ledgard: “I would pay to see Christopher McDougall versus a wildebeest.”
8. Vibram FiveFingers
They suck. There’s a reason the company has a class action lawsuit against them. (No, morbidly obese man, they aren’t meant for you.)
9. Casual shoes
We don’t carry them. Because we’re a running shop. Which it says on the door you just walked through.
10. Arch support
Good lord, how many times do I have to tell you: It’s not built into the shoe.
11. Long day
At the end of a nine-hour shift on my feet, I usually leave at the end of the day hoping no one like you comes in to the store tomorrow.
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Dylan Ledgard, a James Sprunt Community College alumnus, has a 14:49 5,000-meters best set in 2011. He’s worked at a running specialty store for over four years. Follow his 140-character denouncements on Twitter.
Pure awesome.
you hit the nail on the head with this one. Thanks for the laugh. Now if only the people who actually fit these descriptions would read this and know we are serious and not just trying to be funny:) Kind of like the movie “waiting”
this is exactly why people shop online. elitist douchebags who think the world belongs to them. welcome to the real world buddy. next time you go to get your car fixed i hope they charge you to replace your flux capacitor.
That’s a lot of sass for a community college grad. It does sound like this job is preparing you well for a lifetime of frustrating work experiences.
Someguy and sean, obviously YOU HAVE never worked in retail, waited tables, or interacted with the general public on any level. you clearly lack compassion for people that hold those jobs. try spending some time in our shoes.