Help Me Hate You Less
A running store employee explains why he hopes you get hit by a bus in your new shoes
by Dylan Ledgard
The last thing I want to help you with is shoes. Yes, seriously. I know I work at a running shop, but the last thing I want to see before my lunch break is your sweaty, nasty-ass, fungus-ridden toes.
2. “(long pause; looking down at shoes) Yes, but do they come in another color?”
No. When I’ve spent as much time with you helping you figure out the best shoe for your foot shape and biomechanics only to discover you “just can’t stand mauve,” I want to kick you in the crotch.
3. “I’m a triathlete/I do CrossFit”
Well, let me do an ecstatic dance!
4. I will talk about you to the other employees when I go to the stockroom
So don’t be douchey.
5. STOP CALLING THEM “TENNIES”
I’m looking at you, grandma.
If you don’t want your child to get a swift punch in the Adam’s apple, don’t let him run amuck in my store, knocking things over. Also, don’t let him poke, pinch, slap, or otherwise annoy the bejesus out of me. Parent that little turdling so he doesn’t turn into Hitler II.
7. “I’m just looking, thanks”
Five dollars says that in 60 seconds you’ll approach me asking my opinion on those “cool, five-toe shoes.” Which leads me to…
8. Vibram FiveFingers
They suck. There’s a reason the company has a class action lawsuit against them. (No, morbidly obese man, they aren’t meant for you.)
9. Casual shoes
We don’t carry them. Because we’re a running shop. Which it says on the door you just walked through.
10. Arch support
Good lord, how many times do I have to tell you: It’s not built into the shoe.
11. Long day
At the end of a nine-hour shift on my feet, I usually leave at the end of the day hoping no one like you comes in to the store tomorrow.
Dylan Ledgard, a James Sprunt Community College alumnus, has a 14:49 5,000-meters best set in 2011. He’s worked at a running specialty store for over four years. Follow his 140-character denouncements on Twitter.